'Brit Writers 2012 Finalist, Francesca Nield - Too Deep for Tears'

“Too Deep for Tears” is a book I would not have chosen to write. Few would probably choose to read it. It isn’t a pleasant read. It isn’t a cosy novel to curl up with by the fire, nor is it an intellectual tome from which scholars can learn. It is a deeply personal story, about the birth and unexpected death of our first child.

It is a story which is at the same time both unique and universal.

The few who have read it - including the neurosurgeon who cared for our son, and our GP, have called it a powerful and moving read which reduced them to tears. For me, the pain I still carry for our longed for and much loved son is so deeply entrenched that it is invariably too deep for tears, though a sudden memory can have me weeping in an instant.

Gregory was unexpectedly born disabled, suffering from spina bifida and hydrocephalus after a catalogue of errors through pregnancy and labour. I believe that he was in fact stillborn. After two operations, and being placed on life support for three days, we were faced with every parents’ worse nightmare - of having to remove him from this when told that he couldn’t sustain life independently.

He died in our arms, the blow being made all the harder by the fact that this was the first opportunity we had had of being able to hold him.

It was his neurosurgeon who encouraged me to write his story; although I had determined myself after seeing all he had been put through in his short life that his life would not have been in vain. Before he died I made him a promise - not knowing how I could fulfil it - a promise that his life would make a difference; that it wouldn’t be swept under the carpet as some of the medical staff involved in the early days tried to do.

I learned so much from Gregory. I doubt that any parent would choose to have a disabled child, but I do know that I came to unequivocally love him. I started to look at disability and illness through different eyes. I began to learn a new respect for all differences, whether cultural, political or religious.       

I realised that our lives would be empty without children, and Gregory paved the way for our other two children. Genetic counselling informed that taking folic acid prior to conception and in early pregnancy can significantly reduce the risks of having a baby with a neural tube defect. And so I set about writing his story and enjoying my other children, writing about events exactly as they had happened.

My book doesn’t fit into any particular genre of writing, not even – thank goodness, the dreaded misery memoir,  as Gregory has in so many ways had  a positive influence on our lives, as well as what happened being a lasting tragedy. “Too Deep for Tears” I expect will never  be a commercial success, but as I watched my other children grow up I felt that at the very least by writing Gregory’s story that it will if nothing else be a lasting legacy for them of their older  brother –  our first son, who in my thoughts over all these years I have seen shadow their every milestone.

The Brit Writers competition afforded me an opportunity to submit my book in the non fiction unpublished category. I was overwhelmed when I discovered that it had been

short listed from so many entries. It didn’t win, but to have been a finalist is reward enough.

I would like to thank all involved at Brit Writers for this opportunity and I take enormous pride in being a finalist – a very fitting tribute to my son, Gregory.

by Francesca Nield

Brit Writers

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